rock on

Monday, July 28, 2008

On Death and Being Jaded

As Gloria chattered on in her State of the Nation Address, I was typing away my thesis chapters when the news of the death of my Ninang (my lola's younger sister, we call her ninang) due to complications of diseases.

And my reaction when my sister announced it? "Weh?"

Then that was it.

The gravity of what happened to my Ninang only hit me when I made my dad upset by asking if I could use Ninang as a subject for my Human Interest feature story. After he was mad, I realize what I just said. I said I wanted to use her because it was tragic.

Tragic.

Damn. How cold can I be?

Maybe it's because I spent more than 5 years reading and researching about tragedies in life like rape that suddenly I woke up and became jaded to all of this. After all that research, I still don't know what to do or to say when a friend confesses she was molested or raped. I have read books, watched films, interacted with people who know about these stuff... yet I still don't know.

I realize I never really know how to react when these things happen in reality. I may watch movies and cry whenever a person dies or whenever a person is raped, but in reality I never know what to do or say.

I remember that the most comfortable reaction I ever had with a bad news is when a friend of mine told me she had a disease that could kill her. My reaction--I laughed. And she was fine with that. Because she didn't want the pity looks or the pity phrases. That's the only time when I felt relieve to have done something right when it comes to reacting on a tragedy.

Right now, I'm sitting at the wake of my Ninang. She's not yet ready since we forgot her dress at the house of her only son. My dad, my cousin and the wife of the only son of Ninang had to go back to their home to fetch the dress. We have been waiting for more than 2 hours.

Tomorrow, I don't think I can go to school. Besides the fact that I'm really tired and really lazy, I want to stay at this wake. And this time, it's not for researching the mood of the wake for my features story. This time, it's because staying quietly in one corner is my only way to show my respect for the dead.

I still can't find the words. But I hope my presence would indicate that I'm trying. And that my Ninang will know that I loved her soooo much.

-Lo-