rock on

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

I wish I listened to my yaya

When I was a kid, my yaya would always make me take after-lunch naps. She says that I should sleep so that I could grow.

Mara Clara was usually on tv at that time of the day. I also had ADHD, so I couldn't really sleep. So usually I just pretend to sleep and then when my yaya is out of the room, I pretend to wake up.

I remember my mom telling me that in St. Paul, while my classmates where enjoying their nap time, I was lying on the floor just like everyone else but my eyes were wide open. I usually don't sleep.

I grew (did I?) up and went to highschool. I stayed late. I think I was in highschool when I started getting insomia. So, mornings are a drag for me and my sister. The only way you could get me going is by turning on the radio really loud and turning on the lights.

Up until now, I still sleep late. I usually don't like sleeping. I have too much energy to do things I really want to do. Right now, it's 2:25 am. My sister is also awake. Watching DVD in her room while I blog away.

But no, I didn't grow up. Literally. My height today is exactly my height when I was in grade 6. I know because I measure myself. From gradeschool to highschool, I was always in front of the line when teachers ask us to go to the gym or to the auditorium or wherever. I will always be remembered as the little girl.

Whenever I cut my hair short, I would look like a 12-year old. Movie theaters always ask for my ID to make sure I'm part of the 18 and above age group. In Enchanted Kingdom, there was a time I was denied access to the Flying Something because of my height.

But I never really hated my height. Yes, I wished to be a little taller. But I didn't despise being small. In fact when I was growing up, my being small never bothered me at all. I love that I can squeeze into crowds of people or worm my way out of a tight-spaced situation. I also love the fact that I don't have to do anything that involves reaching top shelves or looking afar.

But then I met this cute guy. He's tall. And I mean TALL. He's a 6-footer guy who, compared to me, can be called a giant. And he fell in love with dwarf-looking me. The catch is, I also fell in love with him.

I'm the kind of person who annoys people when they're annoyed. When I was young, when I was into fights, my tactic was to do the very thing that disgusts my enemy. If she hates me for talking loud, I will talk louder. If he hates me for being goofy, I will be goofier.

So now, I'm in a relationship where people we meet likes to stare and point fingers. Yes, everyone. Even my friends. No, I'm not mad. I just don't care.

If people think that we shouldn't be together since he's twice my height, the more I will cling to him. If people are disgust that I only get to hug him when we're in escalators, the more I will hug and kiss him in escalators.

I just don't care.

Bottomline is, I love him.

The only thing that hurts is that important people in our lives think the same way as the rest. They look at us in disgust thinking "He shouldn't be with her... or I shouldn't be with him". Maybe it hurts them that whenever we're together, people do stop and stare.

But to me, let them stop and stare!

We shouldn't be ashamed because we love each other and would want to be together.

I wish they could see that.

And I'm sorry but I am angry. And I mean really angry.

Because for the first time in my life, I hated being small.

-Lo-