rock on

Saturday, March 01, 2008

Breakdown nth time

I broke down again.

I'm beginning to worry since I have been breaking down a lot of times this year. Mostly involving my family. And there are small triggers.

So yeah.

My sister moved in my room just last Thursday. That's when I realize offering her a share in my room is a mistake. I'm a very controlling person. And she likes to defy that. So, in the end I asked her to move out.

But she didn't want to.

I was going to take a nap. She was on my bed. I don't sharing bed space. I have a personal space thing. So there. I went off. She then said she's sleeping on the floor. Which she did. Which made me feel guilty and then talked to her about moving out again.

She didn't want to. I went to my parents' bedroom to take a nap and eventually told my mom that I want Gray to move out of my room. She said no. Gray walked in. She said I was a coward for not fighting my own fights. I lost it.

I cried and I screamed. They laugh. I suggested me moving in on an apartment on my own. My mom joked that I move in with her friend (a psychologist). I screamed and screamed and screamed. I think I even threaten to strangle my sister. And I went to my room, got all her pillows and her dog. Threw everything on the bed. My mom suddenly realizing I was not kidding, stopped laughing and started getting angry.

I continued to move her out.

And after, I cried.

Because they think I'm crazy. And it's sad and hurtful when your family thinks you're crazy.

I know I shouldn't have lost it. But I'm sick. I didn't get much sleep last night. I have lots of things to do. And I need space. Plus, they laughed.

My mom and I had a talk recently on how they don't really know me. They don't know what I like because I don't tell them.

Which is sad because my parents don't know me. Hell, my boyfriend knows me more than they do. And my mom reasoned it was because I talk and share lots of my time with Lawrence. But in my head, no. Lawrence knows more about me because he listens. And I mean really listens.

And I have proven that theory. I tried talking to my mom. Telling her what I want. She then ignores me and just went about her business.

My resolution... maybe I should just mimic Clara from House of the Spirits. I should do that. Not speak to anyone anymore. Could I do that? Nah. Maybe I should just stop speaking to my family. They don't understand me anyway.

I'll be waiting for my mom and dad to talk to me and announcing that they're asking for psychiatric help. Maybe I need therapy.

It's just sad.

-Lo-