rock on

Thursday, July 26, 2007

Yes, I'm an idiot

What are you doing?

I'm savoring the moment.

And hurting yourself?

Yes.

Why?

Because this way, he gets to be with me.

Why bother?

Maybe there's still hope.

Why do you need to deny? We both know you know there's none.

I trust him.

How come?

Just. He wouldn't hurt me.

He's hurting you now.

Yes. But it's different.

How?

I let him.

-Lo-

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

out of reach

My internet is finally fixed. After a very very long time and a couple of irritating complaint calls, I can use the pc for internet browsing once more.

I've been having a hard time coping with things. i don't really know if I have a problem with myself or with the recent happenings. Maybe it's just that I haven't fully mourn over the loss yet. I haven't cried (as in 'how-could-you-leave-me' cry) or furiously got angry. The realization is taking a slow time to to hit me.

There are things I want to say, things I want to do and things I want to hope for... but my motivation left me. There's no words, no actions and no dreams.

Abu sent me a quote a while back. It says that I don't need a man to blah blah blah. At the end, it simply says... 'I don't need a man, if it's not him."

And it hurts. Because these are things I can't say out loud. I don't think I can face it or I can live with it.

He's not my air. I know. I can live without him.

I just can't seem to face the fact that whenever it rains, I can't count on him to protect me with his jacket.
That whenever I would be on an escalator, he would be one step away ready to hug me tight. That whenever I need help, he would be there a phone call away.
That whenever they release a Paulo Coelho book, he would be surprising me with one.
That whenever Valentine's day would come, I would find myself in my room staring at the single red rose in my bed along with chocolates and a letter.
That whenever I needed to cross the street, he would make me laugh (by imitating my squealing voice) just so my mind would be diverted.
That whenever he gets the chance, he will carry me (literally).
That eventhough I say no, he would dance with me.
That whenever my favorite band would have new songs, he would download it for me.
That whenever I needed directions (since I am bad at it), he would be there to guide me.
That whenever I am down, he will crack the corniest jokes and won't rest until he sees me smile.
That whenever I want to sleep, I would just rest my head on his shoulders while he wraps his arms around me.
That whenever I sleep, he would whisper 'Goodnight, Sleeping Beauty...".
That whenever we'd be walking, his hand will always find its way to mine.
That whenever my hands are full while walking, his hand would be at the small of my back. That whenever I'm not looking, he will kiss me.
That whenever he thinks I'm not looking, he will kiss me.
And even whenever I'm looking, he would kiss me.

And that when I want to be kissed (without telling him), he will kiss me.

Yes, Lorey is not ok. Lorey is not fine. Lorey has no more Lawrence. Soon, I will rebuild myself. But please permit me to be abnormal. It's just that I don't feel right now that he's not with me.

-Lo-

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

How well do I know my EX-boyfriend / bestfriend? :)

1)Basics

His age:
* 21
How many months are you apart:
* apart? hmm. 2weeks and counting.
How long have you been together:
* 2years, 7mos, 5days.
How Long did you know each other before
you got together?:
* it was a year before but we were enemies back then. lolz.
What physical features attracted you to
him first?:
* his sweetness.
Eye color:
* light brown.
Hair color:
* black.
Hair style:
* semi-kalbo. dos.
Normal Outfit:
* pants, loose shirt, rubber shoes.
How did you meet:
* friend's bday party. :)

2)RELATIONSHIP STUFF
How serious is it:
* serious, but needed time to improve ourselves.
Do your parents like him:
* yes.
Do you trust him:
* yes.
Would you share a toothbrush with him:
*we do. lolz.
Does he let you wear his pants:
* no. i fit inside his pants.
Do you have a shirt of his that you
sleep with?
* yes. i wear it at night.
Do you like the way he smells:
* yes. he has his own smell.
Can you picture having kids with him:
* yes. one baby boy with my eyes and his smile.
What bothers you the most about him:
* he can't stand up for himself.
Does he have a temper:
* none. its what's scares the hell out of me.
Are you happy to be with him:
* yes.
Do you think you could do better:
* yes. we always strive for the best. ayon nga sa kanta ni regina spektor.
Does he embarrass you in public:
* ahahah. only when he sings falcetto.
Does he smoke or do drugs?:
* no. never.
Does he drink?:
* occasionally.

3)SOME OTHER STUFF

Does he have any piercings?:
* no.
Does he have any scars that you know of?:
* yes. sa forehead.
Is he a Party dude or Stay at home?:
* well. a little bit of both.
Is he Outgoing or Shy?:
* a little bit of both.
Does he love his mama?:
* yes.
Would he hang out with you and YOUR
friends?:
* yes. he likes my friends.
Would he hang out with you and HIS friends?:
* yes.

4)DOES HE

Sing?:
* yes.
Call Other Girls?:
* no.
Wear boxers/briefs?
* briefs. i want him to wear boxers but he wears briefs. ahahaha. :)

-Lo-

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Is there anything worth looking for?

Is there?

I'm guessing that I'm missing.

-Lo-

Monday, July 09, 2007

If I wanted rejection, I'd audition

Today wasn't a good day.

I forgot to wake up early. I was absent in my koreyano class again. I'm having a hard time as it is. I hate that I'm slowly becoming irresponsible. Tsk tsk.

When I got to UP, Claire wanted to talk to me about the break up. I guess I was sooo moved by the music I was hearing from my mp4 (a bribe from my dad) that I wasn't my usual happy mood when I talk about the break up.

After a while, Jeni wanted me to see that there was still a way to work things out with Lawrence (I love you Jeni). And for the first time, I cried at the reality that we weren't together anymore. Ahaha. Now I think that's funny. I've broken down twice this year. IN UP. Tsk.

After that, there's Jeni's letter. Which I read. Well, it's not for me. It was for Jeni. And I was really disappointed. It wasn't suppose to be this way. I thought after the letter, everything will be fine. But no. If only I knew that this would happen, maybe I could've done something to stop it. Like talking to bothe parties to just leave everything be.

I have to go. I need to study for my koreyano class.

-Lo-

Sunday, July 08, 2007

Para Sa'yo

Maraming Salamat sa pagbibigay sa akin ng walang tatapat na pag-ibig. Alam kong minahal mo ako at patuloy na minamahal ng lubos ng iyong makakaya. Sana'y sa panahon na tayo'y magkasama, naiparamdam ko sa'yo ang aking tunay na pagmamahal. Hindi man ako perpekto o ideyal na nobya para sa'yo (Pasensya na), masasabi kong (sa ngayon) ikaw na ang pinakamamahal ko. Hindi ko na maibabalik pa ang mga oras na tayo'y masaya. Bagaman, nais kong maibalik iyon ng lubusan.

Mula ngayon, binibalik ko na ang iyong kalayaan upang makahanap ng mas karapat-dapat na minamahal. Wala na akong magiging karapatan upang hadlangan o harangan ang mga ninanais mong gawin. Ipapakita ko ang aking suporta sa higit na makakaya ng kaibigan.

Ikaw na siguro ang pinakamatalik kong kaibigan dahil iniisip ko palang, alam mo na ang aking igagalaw o sasabihin. Pipilitin kong hindi ka itulak papalayo sa akin dahil alam kong hindi na ako makakahanap pa ng katulad mo. Aalagaan kita hangga't sa makakaya ng isang kaibigan. Hindi kita pababayaan at lagi kitang pasasayahin, kahit sa mga jokes man lamang.

Sa huling pagkakataon, binabanggit ko na "mahal kita, Lawrence". At mula ngayon, bibitawan na kita.

-Lo-

Wednesday, July 04, 2007

you didn't fight for me

I just realized that it's true that this relationship can't work out for NOW. When I said goodbye, you didn't even fight for me to stay. You just gave me what I want.

That's you. You always give me what I want. I hope someday you will realize that sometimes, what I tell you I want is really not what I want.

I'm sorry for being bitter. Depression takes toll.

-Lo-

Tuesday, July 03, 2007

You are my Samson

You are my sweetest downfall
I loved you first, I loved you first
Beneath the sheets of paper lies my truth
I have to go, I have to go
Your hair was long when we first met

Samson went back to bed
Not much hair left on his head
He ate a slice of wonder bread and went right back to bed
And history books forgot about us and the bible didn't mention us
And the bible didn't mention us, not even once

You are my sweetest downfall
I loved you first, I loved you first
Beneath the stars came fallin' on our heads
But they're just old light, they're just old light
Your hair was long when we first met

Samson came to my bed
Told me that my hair was red
Told me I was beautiful and came into my bed
Oh I cut his hair myself one night
A pair of dull scissors in the yellow light
And he told me that I'd done alright
and kissed me 'til the mornin' light, the mornin' light
and he kissed me 'til the mornin' light

Samson went back to bed
not much hair left on his head
Ate a slice of wonderbread and went right back to bed
Oh, we couldn't bring the columns down
Yeah we couldn't destroy a single one
And history books forgot about us
And the bible didn't mention us, not even once

You are my sweetest downfall
I loved you first

-Lo-

Monday, July 02, 2007

Sana Umulan

Para masabayan ng pagluha ng puso ko.

-Lo-