rock on

Saturday, October 06, 2007

Making the same mistake thrice

I talked to my friend over the phone.

Realizations started hitting me. I thought I was wiser. But then again, not.

I was an outcast on the latter part of my gradeschool years. I was again an outcast when I was in highschool. And I didn't know it could happen to me again now that I'm in college.

And what mistake did I do?

I tried helping friends. I listened. I talked. I gave advice.

And I created enemies.

These enemies were my friends. They confided in me like I confided in them. And since I was helping a torn relationship to become whole again, I was another enemy.

They (usually they come in packs. I think they believe in the power of numbers) thought that I was betraying them since I was helping their victim. They thought I was spilling secrets. (Seriously, with my screwed memory how can you even think that I can remember every single thing you say to me. I mean for crying out loud, we could be close at one point and I would be forgetting your name after sometime.)

It happened to me over and over and over again.

My friend said I was standing up. I was doing the right thing. How is it that doing the right thing makes me feel so hurt, so alone, so violated? Do I have to lose every bit of sanity in my head before I experience the benefits of doing the right thing?

To my friends, well friends who know me, my bullies and the victims of their crimes there is only one question I dare ask... Why didn't you stand up for me?

I know you don't believe their reasons for bullying me. I know that there are rumors they spread that you will can certainly testify not to be true.

Then, why not help me?

I hate this feeling. This feeling of rejection. It's the worst feeling ever.

I can't help but think why I didn't end all this before it happened again. I mean, I actually picked this life over my soul rotting in hell. I suddenly feel that if I'd known it would happen over and over and over again, I would've ended my life back in highschool. I wouldn't have been so scared that suicide is a one-way ticket to hell.

Because this...

THIS IS HELL.

-Lo-