rock on

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

out of reach

My internet is finally fixed. After a very very long time and a couple of irritating complaint calls, I can use the pc for internet browsing once more.

I've been having a hard time coping with things. i don't really know if I have a problem with myself or with the recent happenings. Maybe it's just that I haven't fully mourn over the loss yet. I haven't cried (as in 'how-could-you-leave-me' cry) or furiously got angry. The realization is taking a slow time to to hit me.

There are things I want to say, things I want to do and things I want to hope for... but my motivation left me. There's no words, no actions and no dreams.

Abu sent me a quote a while back. It says that I don't need a man to blah blah blah. At the end, it simply says... 'I don't need a man, if it's not him."

And it hurts. Because these are things I can't say out loud. I don't think I can face it or I can live with it.

He's not my air. I know. I can live without him.

I just can't seem to face the fact that whenever it rains, I can't count on him to protect me with his jacket.
That whenever I would be on an escalator, he would be one step away ready to hug me tight. That whenever I need help, he would be there a phone call away.
That whenever they release a Paulo Coelho book, he would be surprising me with one.
That whenever Valentine's day would come, I would find myself in my room staring at the single red rose in my bed along with chocolates and a letter.
That whenever I needed to cross the street, he would make me laugh (by imitating my squealing voice) just so my mind would be diverted.
That whenever he gets the chance, he will carry me (literally).
That eventhough I say no, he would dance with me.
That whenever my favorite band would have new songs, he would download it for me.
That whenever I needed directions (since I am bad at it), he would be there to guide me.
That whenever I am down, he will crack the corniest jokes and won't rest until he sees me smile.
That whenever I want to sleep, I would just rest my head on his shoulders while he wraps his arms around me.
That whenever I sleep, he would whisper 'Goodnight, Sleeping Beauty...".
That whenever we'd be walking, his hand will always find its way to mine.
That whenever my hands are full while walking, his hand would be at the small of my back. That whenever I'm not looking, he will kiss me.
That whenever he thinks I'm not looking, he will kiss me.
And even whenever I'm looking, he would kiss me.

And that when I want to be kissed (without telling him), he will kiss me.

Yes, Lorey is not ok. Lorey is not fine. Lorey has no more Lawrence. Soon, I will rebuild myself. But please permit me to be abnormal. It's just that I don't feel right now that he's not with me.

-Lo-