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Thursday, April 27, 2006

I miss my first year with Lawrence.

Everything is just so damn complicated nowadays.

What I hate most about is, before I was ready for this. I never let my guard down. I have built a protected wall over my heart. I made it tough. So if ever we encountered any problems, I wouldn't easily crumble.

It was (of course) a conflicting problem with our relationship. Most of the time I was trying to push Lawrence away--keeping my distance. It hurt him which eventually hurt me.

So in time, with my heart in his hand, I slowly destroyed my walls. I indulged myself in a fantasy that he was my forever. Slowly forgetting that this relationship may not last forever.

I was happy. Because I let my pessimistic bitter personality go. I didn't worry about what was suppose to happen because I learned to know that whatever happens, it wouldn't matter. For us, what matters is that we can still make each other laugh or say the things we want to say or simply love each other.

But now I know it has come to pay a hefty price.

Before, I would beg Lawrence to hurt me. Not physically, just emotionally. So that once again I could cry and fuel my pesimissim. But ever since he showed me the joy of letting it go, I have never been more happy.

But that state of happiness must go sometimes, doesn't it?

How I wish I could've left a little part of the wall I chose to break down. Maybe I wouldn't be this damn affected.

Oh well.

-Lo-

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past works

  • December 2005
  • January 2006
  • February 2006
  • March 2006
  • April 2006
  • May 2006
  • June 2006
  • July 2006
  • August 2006
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  • October 2006
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  • December 2006
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  • April 2007
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    • credits

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    readers

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